The Fungus Among Us

Polypore, shelf-like mushroom growing on fallen tree

I will never forget this mushroom! We were out with Nature Explorers, a class provided through our local homeschool support center, focusing on mushrooms that day. Joran was having a tough time navigating his emotions, social anxieties, etc.... This included lots of screaming, shouting and general grumpiness for a period of time. It was an interesting practice for me in staying centered while he worked it out. Sometimes Joran takes his energy out on me, pushing, pulling, shoving, angry words, etc..., but I was not willing to do that with him this day. He started taking his frustrations out on the forest instead. Much appreciation to the forest from Mommy for that!

After a bit, the group stopped and circled up to listen to the instructor's story of the day. We sat apart while Joran continued processing. It was pretty easy for me to just hang out on a fallen log while Joran did what he needed to do. Jasmijn wanted to explore, too. As I was just chilling and glancing around, Joran found the Polypore mushroom in the picture above, attached to the log I was sitting on.

My astounding discovery about this mushroom was that it can bear the impact of a raging 5-year-old boy! Joran was jumping on the mushroom like it was a springboard, with as much force as he could muster, certain that he would break it off. It never happened! Pretty soon, he realized that this was a pretty cool tough mushroom and started studying it. The energy exerted and then the focus the mushroom attracted from him was just enough to shift his attitude back to positive curiosity, and we got back to following the group, finishing up the 2-mile hike, and even enjoying another relaxed hour with a classmate and his mom, picking blackberries, hunting bugs, hiding under trees.... Thanks Polypore!

Parenting is a practice. We'll never get it done, it's constantly unfolding. We're constantly growing, understanding ourselves and our children in new ways.

In our culture, worrying about our children is part of being a "good parent." I'm learning that this is a flawed premise. We try so hard to help them that it just leads to overprotective, paranoid parenting. When we can't figure out how to help them, we feel powerless or angry that they are not cooperating or behaving the way we want them to behave. It's actually better for me, and therefore, better for my children when I remain centered, stable, happy, even when they are way off balance.

The day with Nature Explorers provided a perfect example. So many factors collided for Joran during those two hours. Joran wanted to play with a couple of the boys, but did not know how to join in or feel confident in following my suggestions. Once we started on the trail, Joran seemed aloof, wanting to do his own thing, not gather near the instructor with the other children. We found a cool bug, and while Joran was looking at it, another child grabbed it to show the instructor. Joran felt so angry about this and started talking about revenge. He doesn't normally take this out on other child, but instead turns to me with complaints and acting on his frustrations.

So, one thing piled up on him after another. Another student got a lot of attention for finding a frog. Everyone gathered around to hold the frog, but Joran tends to back off when there's a crowd. He wanted to see and hold the frog but didn't feel comfortable squeezing in or waiting until the commotion died down. He liked the idea of looking for another frog, but wasn't willing to initiate a search. He became obsessed with the idea of finding a frog, but more focused on the fact that he didn't have one, he was not willing to search on his own or stick close to me to catch one if I saw one. As the group continued through the forest, Joran escalated to screaming, shouting, starting to push and pull me, but I would not participate with this. He redirected to stomping, kicking and pulling on rocks, dirt, decaying wood and plants.

Through all of this, I focused on staying connected to well-being. I know Joran is also fun, curious, highly intelligent, loving and powerful. I held these beliefs in my mind as we kept moving along. I also reminded myself that I could choose happiness no matter what he was doing. Having fun in nature comes naturally, so I kept looking for frogs, enjoying the beautiful trees, feeling good about my own strength and agility, laughing about the adventure in it all. There I was, 7 months pregnant, toddler riding on my back, slipping in the muddy pools populated by frogs, and perfectly happy!

It feels good when I don't make my son responsible for my feeling of well-being. I'm also glad that my belief in myself as a good parent doesn't depend on his happiness. Most of the time, I have no idea what we look like to other people. So, another big part of my practice includes letting go of attachment to other people's opinions. In any case, I find that many times, what they think of us is yet another figment of my imagination.

Blessings!

Jolene =)

Into the Woods

Our Labor Day visit to Cannon Beach, Oregon

We took our wagon to pull the kids around, so Joran could sit sometimes, too. It was such a great idea over a stroller. Sometimes, with Jasmijn's help, we didn't get very far, very fast, though.

Recapping the day's explorations. Still much to discover.

What successes we have had this month! A few months ago, during the summer, I pledged to myself to begin more activities that would fulfill Joran's needs and my own. Not an easy task with such different personalities, basically boiling down to his desire to stick with familiar situations, away from new people and environments, juxtaposed to my desire to socialize and build a broader community network. But I was determined!

One of the challenges was to make the right choices without input from Joran, knowing that we might have to push through many awkward moments in order to find the right activities and people. It may seem strange not to ask him if he wants to take a class or go to a new playdate, but I've learned that he will always give a negative response until he understands what the experience is. He has no way of understanding the experience until he's tried it, and he often needs to get over social anxieties before he can truly have fun. The question for me is to what extent do I push him to engage? I have to ask if I am pushing him to do something that he's genuinely not ready for, or am I pushing him to do something he will love once he gets over his anxieties.

First, we met a wonderfully wise occupational therapist who answered a lot of my "why" questions. She taught me why Joran needs so much BIG, full-contact play. She taught me why he resists certain activities whether it's about being around other people or about using certain muscle groups. And she showed me how I can facilitate and encourage getting his needs met at home and out-and-about. She's given me the gift of understanding, where I was previously confused about Joran's behaviors. Now I can just BE with Joran, allowing and accepting of so much more. Now that I feel so trusting of his behavior, I am able to focus more on getting my own needs met, also.

Next, we started going to a local gymnasium for open gym trampolines, tumbling, sliding, etc.... Joran loved the open gym and I got to meet up with other moms. I was always right there on the gym floor with him, and there were never more than 10 people there (usually 6), so even though there were always different people, Joran was able to avoid what he needed to avoid and enjoy great fun otherwise. Being "open gym" also meant that he could follow his own pace, not the instructor's agenda.

Seeing how excited he was about open gym inspired me to sign him up for the trampoline/tumbling classes, because open gym was going to change schedule once school started. I love that I can make these decisions and know that there are always options. After a couple classes, it was pretty clear that the class demanded too much structure. Joran needs freedom to guide himself in a safe environment and to navigate away from social interaction when he becomes overloaded. We were able to transfer our class payment to use on future open gyms. Lesson learned, problem solved.

Then came the best decision ever! We started Wilderness Awareness School. My biggest concern was about leaving Joran in a class by himself -- would I be able to attend until he was confident there on his own? I don't believe in leaving my emotionally overwhelmed child in the hands of someone who is a stranger to him, no matter how confident I am in this person. If he needs me, he needs me, and I believe he'll go off on his own when he's ready. So, I was pretty happy to hear that they invited parents to attend the first 4 classes. I felt this would be good enough for Joran.

The first day was emotionally exhausting for me, which is no surprise. There were over 20 people there, and a lot of the early time was spent indoors going over safety and procedures. Boring stuff for my 5-year-old, even when it's presented in a "fun" way. He really wanted to leave, would not speak to anyone, including other children, and would not participate in the program at all. Finally, we went out on an adventure through the woods, so this was more fun, but by the time I got everyone back in the car, I seriously needed some TLC. Fortunately, Joran and Jasmijn fell asleep right away.

In the next 2 weeks, Joran started talking with both instructors and children, and even playing away from me, going on little adventures into the woods with another adult. During the 3rd class, he was okay with me going for a 20-minute walk and meeting up with him and the group later. The success of this wilderness class was not just about the choice of activity, but also about the instructors, who have been fully understanding of Joran's needs.

The final test was yesterday during the 4th class, when the children were expected to leave on an adventure without the parents. Joran had said he did not want me to go, and his behavior was reflecting that, but I was amazingly calm and open. Most of the children went off on the adventure, and Joran still refused to part with me. One of the instructors talked with him for a while, pulling out all kinds of creative ideas and soothing words, and what it finally came down to was that she challenged him to a race to the pond. She declared that she didn't think he could beat her, even if she were running backwards! Ah-ha! Joran was off and running, and didn't look back once as I watched them round the bend. Backwards running over a rugged forest path is also good for laughs!

When I returned 2 1/2 hours later to pick up Joran, he greeted me with a running hug and exclaimed, "I did everything for myself!" He was so proud and confident and happy! Even when he tried to put on his "tough guy" attitude later, he could not hide the twinkle in his eye or the smile on his face.

Luckily, I've also learned about Bodily-Kinesthetic Intelligence through an advisor/teacher at a local homeschooling support center. One of the things I read was that bodily-kinesthetic learners feel compelled to express all of their thoughts and feelings through their bodies. This explains why living with Joran can feel like a full-contact sport. I've learned why Joran loves to be dragged around on the floor, have pillow fights, snuggle up in his cacoon-like swing, crash into a pile of pillows, fall, tumble, and stumble onto the floor, into a wall, and into another person and so on. And finally, with this knowledge, it felt easy to understand and be patient when he needed to crash into me, shout, climb around the car, spin around, or fall on the ground after his big day on his own at Wilderness Awareness School.

So, what have I gotten out of all this, personally? Lots of time with other moms, a few new friends, and a more fun home.

I also have to shout out a big "Hooray!" for Liam, our 6-year-old neighbor. He and Joran run wild together, usually outside, and otherwise creating big adventures indoors.

Life is good!

Jolene =)

Openness

...trust in the living quality of basic energy. -- Pema Chodron

Every pregnancy is different. With Joran, our first child, it was easy to feel excited, confident in my ignorance. With Jasmijn, I so headstrongly desired a second child and a homebirth, despite our unfamiliar life in Switzerland. My confidence was like a steel blade, cutting through any doubts, ready to face any challenge.

Now with the third pregnancy, I have lost my resolve. I seem haunted by unfamiliar fears almost daily.

How will my health stand up? What if this child has special needs or just doesn't sleep well? How will I manage to make it through each day if I'm not sleeping well or my body doesn't recover quickly? What if John is not available? Who will help me? What if something goes wrong? Why do I feel so sick this time? When will it end? Goodness, Joran is growing up so fast! Does he miss me too much? What if he feels abandoned and isn't getting his needs met? Will Jasmijn hate me for constantly having another little one in my arms? Am I going to sink into some sort of psychotic depression, unable to function on any level?

The doubts are like little monsters lurking in the shadows of my brain. Someone send me a spotlight! Oh, Jupiter, pierce these demons with your lightning rod! Rather, I should be praying to Juno... it's more likely that Jupiter got me into this trouble in the first place!

So, how do I get myself out of this conniption? I bring myself back to this moment, trusting the well-being in the greater picture of life, feeling the space and openness all around me and in my own body. In that space is all room for joy and health... and all is well. No matter how this day goes, tomorrow brings a new chance. No matter how this moment goes, the next blink could hold my awakening.

A good time to go to the garden...

Love,
Jolene =)

U-S-A! U-S-A!

USA wins against Algeria in the 91st minute! 1-0

Oh, say, I can see the World Cup on the horizon!

Breakfast and Bunnies

Sausage and eggs at our table, always with toys everywhere -- why are there toys in every room, in every place?

Finally a close-up picture of one of the many bunnies in our garden. They're a bit of a garden hazard, but cuter than the slugs.

Bunny eating fallen rose petals.

A bouquet from our garden: lilacs, roses and sedum.

My mother was wondering why there were not more photos of Trudy (Oma) on the blog, so here are a couple. The reason I have so many photos of Gerard (Opa) is that he is always calling out for attention: "Look at this! Look at that! Take a photo of me!" Trudy is more reserved.

Trudy feeding the hens.

Responsibility

I'm going to paraphrase an inspiring message from Scott Noelle's "Daily Groove" newsletter. You can get the newsletter, too! http://www.enjoyparenting.com/dailygroove

When most people think of "responsibility," they think of an obligation or burden they must fulfill. When acting "responsibly," they might do something they don't really want to do, but they do it because they believe it's "right." In my opinion, this can leave someone in a hole of bitterness, judgement and hierarchy where they are either feeling superior for doing the "right" thing or feeling guilty for not living up to their "responsibilities."

Scott calls this the old, dominator world view. A new-world-view definition of responsibility is using your ability to respond creatively to a situation, each person in partnership with the other. As parents, we often feel a sense of duty and obligation regarding our "responsibilities," but in this new view, everyone can win and have fun! In the new world view, everyone is 100% responsible and enjoying the creative process!

Just wanted to pass it on!

Jolene =)

To Change One's Life

I copied this delightful quote from a friend today:

"To change one's life; start immediately,

do it flamboyantly, no exceptions, no excuses."

William James

Blessings

Family excursion, July 2009

I'm counting my blessings today! Apparently, according to Yahoo news, the sun will be storming in the near future, which may affect our technology systems. How amazing that we have created all of this! Then again, there is no reason to be amazed at all. If you believe that we are all one, as I do, then "we" are all God, or whatever you want to call it, and I can't imagine that God would be amazed at any of it. In my mind, God would be smiling, laughing, loving it all, loving us all and having fun, but not amazed.

Yesterday, in the latest Time magazine, I read the Dalai Lama's response to a question about how he remains faithful and optimistic when there is so much hate in the world. He said, "I always look at any event from a wider angle. There's always some problem, some killing, some murder or terrorist act or scandal everywhere, every day. But if you think the whole world is like that, you're wrong. Out of 6 billion humans, the trouble-makers are just a handful." I love that he calls them "trouble-makers" as if they are no more than a few kids acting badly in school. The statement also reminds me of an earlier post of mine in which I described seeing life as just a movie, another form of entertainment. And I always retain the choice to walk out of the theater, go see another movie or even produce my own. There are so many perspectives on life, and I am so happy to have the ability to see this life from many different angles. For me, it makes life more fun, more fulfilling, less serious.

We are here to enjoy life and make the most of it, according to our own desire -- I see no other purpose. Right now, I'm watching the wildlife in the yard, and none of them seem to worry about their "purpose" in life. I think the way humans do it actually takes away from our purpose in life. How can we actually be fulfilling any purpose in life if all we're doing is worrying about whether or not we're fulfilling our purpose? Good. I'm glad that doesn't make any sense to you either.

I have faith in the basic goodness of people. We all want to contribute. Those who commit acts that are hurtful to others must must be living in pain, filled with unmet needs. I have compassion for them in this sense, and I think that they would also choose a more humanitarian path if they were not hurting so much.

I have faith in the basic goodness of myself. When I hurt someone else, it is because I am hurting. I've gotten into the habit of asking myself what needs I can take care of for myself whenever I feel like lashing out at someone else. Sometimes a need can be satisfied by talking to the other person, sometimes it can be satisfied regardless of the other person's involvement. I love that flexibility and the intuition that helps me take the most productive path. And when I don't, I love that I always have new opportunities!

So, rather than feeling amazed at all of the blessings in my life, or instead of feeling overwhelmed with emotion, I am feeling full with happiness that there is so much abundance! I am so very glad for the diversity of gifts shared among us humans!

Finally, I truly appreciate the time to write all of this while my children are sleeping peacefully. I think I'll go take a shower while I have the chance.

Love,
Jolene =)

Photos of April-May 2010

We managed to get a dozen garden projects done in April during Gerard and Trudy's visit.

As usual, Joran has his own projects in mind.

White-washing fence, creating gravel paths and new garden beds.

The dirt arrives.

Earl and his tractor helping with excavation for the greenhouse.

And time to enjoy it all.

5 eggs/day and they make delightful pets, too!

John's brother Maurits with girlfriend Mariska visited us for 3 weeks.

Jasmijn loved Snoqualmie Falls as much as our guests, who knew of the falls from the popular TV show, Twin Peaks.

Jasmijn really bonded with Mariska, so happy to have a new "auntie."

Life-learning

We just got back from the LIFE is Good Unschooling Conference in Vancouver, WA, and I have a lot of thoughts. I can break it down to 2 main take-aways from the weekend:

1. My perceptions of what goes on for Joran internally can be wrong. Joran is very introverted around people he does not know well. Even when we go for playdates with friends he knows, he can be pretty quiet, internally focused, playing alone with whatever toy interests him, or just sticking by my side for a while. Yet, he loves playdates and wants to go back to see friends again and again. Likewise, when we go someplace that is fun for him, he spends a lot of time in silent observation. Many times, he is grumpy and disagreeable or just quiet and unhappy-looking, often expressing a desire to leave, and I think he hasn't gotten anything from the experience, I feel upset that he's not more easy-going, communicative and able to show enjoyment for things most kids outwardly enjoy. But then, hours or days later, he will talk about what thoughts he had and what fun it was.

We arrived at the unschooling conference Thursday, but John wasn't able to join us until late Friday, so I had 2 days with the kids, spending a lot of time in the hotel room because of Joran's personality, getting out of the room mainly because Jasmijn and I both enjoy exploring and a couple times because there was an activity Joran and I thought he would enjoy. We walked around through the conference area a lot, and I saw things I thought would be fun for Joran, but he didn't think so. We also saw a couple kids he knows well. Joran was quiet and serious during all the walking around and even the two activities he wanted to go to. He would hardly look at or speak to the friends he knew. Many times, he complained and pushed on me to go back to the room. My assumption was that he was not enjoying anything... until John arrived.

Joran talked all day Friday about seeing Daddy, and as soon as John arrived, to my surprise, Joran babbled on and on about the things he'd done and seen, and he wanted to show Daddy the whole conference. So, in that moment, I did a clear readjustment of my perceptions. It was so obvious to me that Joran experiences life in a very different way from me, and even from most other children I've seen. In Joran's lifetime, I've found many ways in which he is "atypical," and this was one more addition to my list.

I feel a little more relaxed to realize these things. I feel okay that Joran doesn't express enjoyment like I do. I can trust that he's getting what he needs out of an experience and I can still take care of my own needs, even if he seems unhappy in a situation.

The conference experience with Joran also had me thinking about people I know who seem unhappy, negative or pessimistic in some situations. Knowing that Joran probably seems this way because of stimulation overload, not being able to process all of the sensory and mental stimulation in a "typical" way, I am more understanding of others who seem unhappy and uncomfortable in new, unfamiliar situations.

John understands Joran's introversion, being similar himself. John has also learned the benefits of adaptability and communication, which he uses in his career and in personal relationships. As Joran matures, he may see the benefit in developing these skills as well. If he doesn't ever feel the need to do so, it's his life, and my hope is that I just raise him with the sense that he has the power to make the choices and changes in his life that are right for him, for I believe that we are all the makers of our own lives... "no matter how small," in the words of Horton, the elephant.

2. My second key take-away was that no matter where I go, I will always have some sense that I identify with the moment and the people around me... and some sense that I don't fit in at all. Maybe this comes from having grown up in so many different places, exposed to so many types of people. Perhaps it's the influence of having been raised in a multi-racial, multi-faith, multi-politic family. It's probably also a result of the part of my personality that wants to find common ground among all people and avoid conflict.

Wherever it comes from, this aspect of myself, this ability to identify while never really feeling that I fit in, has left me searching for most of my life for that place where I do feel that I fit in. However, it occured to me over the weekend to just accept that I don't "fit in" anywhere despite being able to identify with many stories. Instead of searching for an "answer" to a "problem," I can see it as a gift that has allowed me to feel great compassion, to mediate conflicts, to listen in ways that make others feel understood and accepted. Acceptance of this aspect of myself opens me up to the realization that there is a place where I do feel I fit in completely: that place is right here inside me.

Wishing you your best life!

Jolene =)