Responsibility

I'm going to paraphrase an inspiring message from Scott Noelle's "Daily Groove" newsletter. You can get the newsletter, too! http://www.enjoyparenting.com/dailygroove

When most people think of "responsibility," they think of an obligation or burden they must fulfill. When acting "responsibly," they might do something they don't really want to do, but they do it because they believe it's "right." In my opinion, this can leave someone in a hole of bitterness, judgement and hierarchy where they are either feeling superior for doing the "right" thing or feeling guilty for not living up to their "responsibilities."

Scott calls this the old, dominator world view. A new-world-view definition of responsibility is using your ability to respond creatively to a situation, each person in partnership with the other. As parents, we often feel a sense of duty and obligation regarding our "responsibilities," but in this new view, everyone can win and have fun! In the new world view, everyone is 100% responsible and enjoying the creative process!

Just wanted to pass it on!

Jolene =)

To Change One's Life

I copied this delightful quote from a friend today:

"To change one's life; start immediately,

do it flamboyantly, no exceptions, no excuses."

William James

Blessings

Family excursion, July 2009

I'm counting my blessings today! Apparently, according to Yahoo news, the sun will be storming in the near future, which may affect our technology systems. How amazing that we have created all of this! Then again, there is no reason to be amazed at all. If you believe that we are all one, as I do, then "we" are all God, or whatever you want to call it, and I can't imagine that God would be amazed at any of it. In my mind, God would be smiling, laughing, loving it all, loving us all and having fun, but not amazed.

Yesterday, in the latest Time magazine, I read the Dalai Lama's response to a question about how he remains faithful and optimistic when there is so much hate in the world. He said, "I always look at any event from a wider angle. There's always some problem, some killing, some murder or terrorist act or scandal everywhere, every day. But if you think the whole world is like that, you're wrong. Out of 6 billion humans, the trouble-makers are just a handful." I love that he calls them "trouble-makers" as if they are no more than a few kids acting badly in school. The statement also reminds me of an earlier post of mine in which I described seeing life as just a movie, another form of entertainment. And I always retain the choice to walk out of the theater, go see another movie or even produce my own. There are so many perspectives on life, and I am so happy to have the ability to see this life from many different angles. For me, it makes life more fun, more fulfilling, less serious.

We are here to enjoy life and make the most of it, according to our own desire -- I see no other purpose. Right now, I'm watching the wildlife in the yard, and none of them seem to worry about their "purpose" in life. I think the way humans do it actually takes away from our purpose in life. How can we actually be fulfilling any purpose in life if all we're doing is worrying about whether or not we're fulfilling our purpose? Good. I'm glad that doesn't make any sense to you either.

I have faith in the basic goodness of people. We all want to contribute. Those who commit acts that are hurtful to others must must be living in pain, filled with unmet needs. I have compassion for them in this sense, and I think that they would also choose a more humanitarian path if they were not hurting so much.

I have faith in the basic goodness of myself. When I hurt someone else, it is because I am hurting. I've gotten into the habit of asking myself what needs I can take care of for myself whenever I feel like lashing out at someone else. Sometimes a need can be satisfied by talking to the other person, sometimes it can be satisfied regardless of the other person's involvement. I love that flexibility and the intuition that helps me take the most productive path. And when I don't, I love that I always have new opportunities!

So, rather than feeling amazed at all of the blessings in my life, or instead of feeling overwhelmed with emotion, I am feeling full with happiness that there is so much abundance! I am so very glad for the diversity of gifts shared among us humans!

Finally, I truly appreciate the time to write all of this while my children are sleeping peacefully. I think I'll go take a shower while I have the chance.

Love,
Jolene =)

Photos of April-May 2010

We managed to get a dozen garden projects done in April during Gerard and Trudy's visit.

As usual, Joran has his own projects in mind.

White-washing fence, creating gravel paths and new garden beds.

The dirt arrives.

Earl and his tractor helping with excavation for the greenhouse.

And time to enjoy it all.

5 eggs/day and they make delightful pets, too!

John's brother Maurits with girlfriend Mariska visited us for 3 weeks.

Jasmijn loved Snoqualmie Falls as much as our guests, who knew of the falls from the popular TV show, Twin Peaks.

Jasmijn really bonded with Mariska, so happy to have a new "auntie."

Life-learning

We just got back from the LIFE is Good Unschooling Conference in Vancouver, WA, and I have a lot of thoughts. I can break it down to 2 main take-aways from the weekend:

1. My perceptions of what goes on for Joran internally can be wrong. Joran is very introverted around people he does not know well. Even when we go for playdates with friends he knows, he can be pretty quiet, internally focused, playing alone with whatever toy interests him, or just sticking by my side for a while. Yet, he loves playdates and wants to go back to see friends again and again. Likewise, when we go someplace that is fun for him, he spends a lot of time in silent observation. Many times, he is grumpy and disagreeable or just quiet and unhappy-looking, often expressing a desire to leave, and I think he hasn't gotten anything from the experience, I feel upset that he's not more easy-going, communicative and able to show enjoyment for things most kids outwardly enjoy. But then, hours or days later, he will talk about what thoughts he had and what fun it was.

We arrived at the unschooling conference Thursday, but John wasn't able to join us until late Friday, so I had 2 days with the kids, spending a lot of time in the hotel room because of Joran's personality, getting out of the room mainly because Jasmijn and I both enjoy exploring and a couple times because there was an activity Joran and I thought he would enjoy. We walked around through the conference area a lot, and I saw things I thought would be fun for Joran, but he didn't think so. We also saw a couple kids he knows well. Joran was quiet and serious during all the walking around and even the two activities he wanted to go to. He would hardly look at or speak to the friends he knew. Many times, he complained and pushed on me to go back to the room. My assumption was that he was not enjoying anything... until John arrived.

Joran talked all day Friday about seeing Daddy, and as soon as John arrived, to my surprise, Joran babbled on and on about the things he'd done and seen, and he wanted to show Daddy the whole conference. So, in that moment, I did a clear readjustment of my perceptions. It was so obvious to me that Joran experiences life in a very different way from me, and even from most other children I've seen. In Joran's lifetime, I've found many ways in which he is "atypical," and this was one more addition to my list.

I feel a little more relaxed to realize these things. I feel okay that Joran doesn't express enjoyment like I do. I can trust that he's getting what he needs out of an experience and I can still take care of my own needs, even if he seems unhappy in a situation.

The conference experience with Joran also had me thinking about people I know who seem unhappy, negative or pessimistic in some situations. Knowing that Joran probably seems this way because of stimulation overload, not being able to process all of the sensory and mental stimulation in a "typical" way, I am more understanding of others who seem unhappy and uncomfortable in new, unfamiliar situations.

John understands Joran's introversion, being similar himself. John has also learned the benefits of adaptability and communication, which he uses in his career and in personal relationships. As Joran matures, he may see the benefit in developing these skills as well. If he doesn't ever feel the need to do so, it's his life, and my hope is that I just raise him with the sense that he has the power to make the choices and changes in his life that are right for him, for I believe that we are all the makers of our own lives... "no matter how small," in the words of Horton, the elephant.

2. My second key take-away was that no matter where I go, I will always have some sense that I identify with the moment and the people around me... and some sense that I don't fit in at all. Maybe this comes from having grown up in so many different places, exposed to so many types of people. Perhaps it's the influence of having been raised in a multi-racial, multi-faith, multi-politic family. It's probably also a result of the part of my personality that wants to find common ground among all people and avoid conflict.

Wherever it comes from, this aspect of myself, this ability to identify while never really feeling that I fit in, has left me searching for most of my life for that place where I do feel that I fit in. However, it occured to me over the weekend to just accept that I don't "fit in" anywhere despite being able to identify with many stories. Instead of searching for an "answer" to a "problem," I can see it as a gift that has allowed me to feel great compassion, to mediate conflicts, to listen in ways that make others feel understood and accepted. Acceptance of this aspect of myself opens me up to the realization that there is a place where I do feel I fit in completely: that place is right here inside me.

Wishing you your best life!

Jolene =)

Snow

Opa in the snow


I call a "snow day." I woke up to someone doing cookies in the cul-de-sac. I'm a little worried about my seedlings and cringing at the wet cold, because I don't like to be outside in it. Give me warm, sunny days 360 days/year and I'll be fine.

The birds are so cute, poking around the woodland edge and in the lawn. Hey, there's a robin. And the chickens are huddling and scratching. Now that the sun is coming out, the bugs must be waking up. John and I have seen hummingbirds already, too. I just put up the feeder 2 weeks ago! There goes the boy chickadee, chasing the girl! Wow, what a beautiful home, what a beautiful life! This is just what I imagined when we were back in Geneva! And I get to sit here and write while watching it all!

Love,
Jolene =)

Breathing for Pleasure

Do flowers in a meadow believe that they are flowers...
or do they believe they are the meadow?
And when the sky looks at the Earth, what does it believe about itself?
Can I look at you and believe that I am anything different?

I believe that the inner work of the parent, rather than the outer work on the child, lies at the core of successful parenting. Am I radical? What is life as we know it without: punishments, rewards, "good job," time out, "because I'm the Mom," naughty or nice behavior??? Gosh, if I let go of these beliefs, Santa Claus would vanish! Or maybe, like Santa Claus, they are all illusions. Illusions of control.

Letting go scares the bejesus out of my little me who scrapes and claws to grasp onto reason, and be right about it, too. Big Me laughs at little me and scoops her up in those All Knowing arms, whispering reassurance that letting go is the only way to joy. Letting go is the only way to fully connect to my children, my spouse, my neighbors, my family, all of the people I love... all of the people... and to remember that we were never separated at all!

Today I am letting go of ever feeling helpless victimhood, letting go of needing to be right, letting go of guilt, letting go of anyone elses idea of me, letting go of anyone elses journey. Today I promise to do all the things I ever dreamed of and to live for those dreams in every moment. Today I promise to let Joy be my guiding light, and to shine, shine, shine!

Blessings to all!

Jolene =)

I am the light I believe myself to be!

Always Something

There's so much going on lately, externally and internally. I wish I would remember to jot down notes, so I could blog about all of it. John said to me the other day, "I see you have not blogged since mid-February..." Blah, blah, blah! Oh, yes, all I'm doing all day is sitting around with my bon-bons in front of the TV! So, here I am blogging, because John made me feel guilty. My grandmother would be so proud.

I'm not going to include a lot of pictures of the garden, because it mostly just looks like a lot of dirt, still. Things are just starting to bloom, I've rearranged a lot and planted several new plants from friends, from Costco and from local nurseries. I did get this magnolia, which somehow speaks to my soul's memories of the deep south. The scent is heavenly and the blossoms whisper of purity and passion.

I want to create a magical garden. I think I'm off to a good start with a mix of delightful, romantic, whimsical and airy plants. A slight breeze brings enchanting music from our chimes, and I finally put up our gorgeous bell from Arizona along with a hummingbird feeder. Yes, we have hummingbirds here. Mostly the Scarlet Rufus, I think it's called. We call it "Ooh, look at that!" And there are white butterflies and large buzzing bumblebees, little chickadees (nesting over our front door), the coos from our doves, the clucks from the chickens, the smell of the pines... and the dirt! Wow! The smell of real earth makes me feel so strong and healthy!

Jasmijn and Joran are growing as fast as the plants. They are so fun! Joran now has a weekly playmate, which gives me a chance to garden, clean house, read, watch TV, make calls... and blog. Jasmijn is not used to her, yet, but hopefully John and I will get some dates soon.

Oma and Opa arrive next week from The Netherlands. Oma will stay for 2 weeks and Opa for 4. We'll spend a lot of time at home and get jobs done around here, and we'll probably make a trip to Walmart, their favorite American store. We'll take them out to eat, they'll share a meal and not be able to finish it together. Everything's bigger in America!

My latest revelation started about a month ago. I had a spectacular moment of seeing my life as a movie and feeling like it was just entertainment -- I could enjoy it or just walk out and go to another movie... or make my own movie. It was so freeing! Sometimes people talk about "forgiving" hurts from the past, and I suppose that was what this moment was, but it felt more like just letting go. It seems that if I were to forgive someone or something, I would have to judge it first, so this "letting go" was more like letting go of judgement, therefore there was not even any need to "forgive." Wonderful! Self-exploration is a trip!

Best to all!

Jolene =)

Wisdom While Weeding

I always have inspiration while weeding. I was out in the garden to get certain things done today, but the weeds called to me, so I had to go. This is what came to me:

HAPPINESS is not meant to be a goal, but a moment-by-moment CHOICE.

Reaching for dreams/goals is great, and we can be happy when we get there, but I don't believe achievement creates happiness. I believe happiness is available to all of us in any moment we choose it, and we are more likely to feel happy when we reach our goals if we are happy along the way.

Dongelmans/McClain family reunion in Gouda, The Netherlands

Two grandpas

Dreams and Doings

So, I'm evolving. Yeah, aren't you? Aren't we all? Thank goodness!

This journey never ends, will never end. It never gets done. Thank goodness!

There will always be new thoughts to think, new desires to chase, new dreams unfolding. Thank Goodness!

Right now, new and fresh, in an effort to sum up my story as of today, this is who I am. Hot on the heels of self-discovery, soaring on the winds of change, enjoying the view, diving in to get a closer look at: horticulture, sustainability, raw foods, energy and magic, art and love.

Okay, I love looking at plants, thinking about plants, digging up plants, playing in the dirt, moving plants, sowing seeds, hording seeds, organizing seeds, making lists of my plans and then going out and forgetting about the lists entirely. I just hung a new, page-long "to do" list on my wall. Ha! We'll see about that! I love gardening! Rain or shine, but hopefully not snow! Well, okay, John loves the snow, so I can do without the gardening for a couple months. That's when I get a chance to thumb through my mile-high stack of plant notes, pictures and writings.

Now, I'm feeling the urge to extend my fever for nature to the fauna sort. We have chickens. I'm not big on eggs, but these sure taste better than the ones from the store, and are more yellow, too. Then the chickens give great poop for the garden, of course. When the weather warms up, they could also make a nice economics project for Joran. I'm thinking "Organic Eggs $3" and "Homemade Lemonade $1." He's 5, he should work for his money. Heck! When I was his age....

Since I have sustainability on my mind, and Opa (John's Dad), once a butcher, will be here in the spring, I was just thinking, maybe he can teach me some of his trade. What else am I going to do with those old chickens?

I might have to save the chickens for John, Joran and Jasmijn, because I've also had raw foods on my mind for months. Just exploring the idea for now. I certainly love the idea of taking my foods from seed and being able to eat them, full of the nutrients from the land I've worked and the love I've added.

I got to go to the Northwest Flower and Garden Show again! I started out Saturday with Jasmijn. She was great, and let me sit through 2 lectures. The gardens were so fun and the children's section is getting bigger, so when a friend offered free tickets, I knew I had to come back Sunday with Joran. He ended up loving it! We got caterpillars, which will be butterflies in a couple weeks. We saw a dinosaur in a garden and got to explore a garden of monsters, made from plants and old gardening tools. I bought some reversible dresses for Jasmijn. You can see them in the pictures here. One has fairies/dragonflies, the other has guitars/skulls.

The love, art, energy and magic of life are everywhere! Living in connection with it rocks! Sometimes it seems like a choice between feeling good or being right, but when I surrender, feeling good is so right!

Hey, Joran is 5 and he had his first ever birthday party! He was pretty specific about how it would be. He would only invite a small number of friends and he made sure to tell me exactly what he did not want. He picked out party decorations and approved food, and of course wanted to know all about what would be happening with the presents. Joran likes to know exactly what is going on and how. I was nervous, but we all ended up having a lot of fun!

All happiness!

Jolene =)