Wednesday, July 14, 2010
...trust in the living quality of basic energy. -- Pema Chodron
Every pregnancy is different. With Joran, our first child, it was easy to feel excited, confident in my ignorance. With Jasmijn, I so headstrongly desired a second child and a homebirth, despite our unfamiliar life in Switzerland. My confidence was like a steel blade, cutting through any doubts, ready to face any challenge.
Now with the third pregnancy, I have lost my resolve. I seem haunted by unfamiliar fears almost daily.
How will my health stand up? What if this child has special needs or just doesn't sleep well? How will I manage to make it through each day if I'm not sleeping well or my body doesn't recover quickly? What if John is not available? Who will help me? What if something goes wrong? Why do I feel so sick this time? When will it end? Goodness, Joran is growing up so fast! Does he miss me too much? What if he feels abandoned and isn't getting his needs met? Will Jasmijn hate me for constantly having another little one in my arms? Am I going to sink into some sort of psychotic depression, unable to function on any level?
The doubts are like little monsters lurking in the shadows of my brain. Someone send me a spotlight! Oh, Jupiter, pierce these demons with your lightning rod! Rather, I should be praying to Juno... it's more likely that Jupiter got me into this trouble in the first place!
So, how do I get myself out of this conniption? I bring myself back to this moment, trusting the well-being in the greater picture of life, feeling the space and openness all around me and in my own body. In that space is all room for joy and health... and all is well. No matter how this day goes, tomorrow brings a new chance. No matter how this moment goes, the next blink could hold my awakening.
A good time to go to the garden...