Time Slipping Away

Here is the famous clock of the English Garden in Geneva. Picture taken by my cousin during her 2009 visit. Jasmijn on my back. The bike was a free rental, one of Geneva's many delights (it appears this one was sponsored by McDonalds).

I like that the numbers on this clock are falling off. Gardeners change the clock seasonally, and it's usually about the flowers, but this one was different.

Have you ever played with the notion of creating time? You know how sometimes time seems to fly by and other times just drag, and some days you can get all kinds of things done in so little time and other days you feel overwhelmed by only a few tasks which somehow don't get finished? It seems that when we're in our groove, time doesn't matter. I wonder how much of a part we play in this thing called Time.

Small children have no sense of time. There is only Now. The worlds greatest philosophers and spiritual leaders tell us and have always told us ("throughout all time") that the secret to life is living in the now. Our greatest power lies in this moment. There is really nothing else.

I can grasp that. All truth and reality is now. Once this moment has passed, it is just a story, a figment of our imaginations. Even this moment can be a figment of our imaginations... but somewhere, deep inside, I can feel the reality behind it all.

Loving Yourself

Everything is more beautiful when you love yourself!

What does loving yourself mean to you?

For me, loving myself is knowing that I am worthy of all of the good things in my life, without having to do anything in particular to keep receiving them. There's no question of whether or not I've been good enough to deserve healthy and beautiful children, a loving husband, a good home, caring friends and neighbors, a healthy body, a pretty garden, lovely clothes, and on and on....

I hope you have the life you want!

You deserve it!

Happy Holidays with a New Baby!

Welcome Aurora Sapphire! December 18, 2010

Aurora was born at home in Woodinville, as planned. With impeccable timing, I started contractions on December 17, the evening my parents arrived at the airport. In fact, I was in the middle of one when I spotted my mother near the baggage claim -- that was a weird moment. Valerie of Puget Sound Midwives and Birth Center, the wonderful midwife who also caught Joran, arrived around midnight, and Aurora arrived at 2:50am, after a well-paced labor. No broken toilets this time! We were able share a few good stories and jokes, though!

Jasmijn and my father slept through the entire night, but Joran was so excited that he stayed up to meet his new sister! My mom stayed up with him -- what a sweet time for them. Joran tried to hide his excitement at first, and this made him even sweeter to watch! John was able to support me all through the labor, which was different from Jasmijn's birth -- he was with Joran then and the labor went so quickly that he barely ran upstairs in time for the birth. Interestingly, I didn't want anyone near me during labor with Jasmijn anyways, so that was perfect, too.

Anyways, at around 3:30am, the midwives told me "the boys are crashed out in the livingroom."

My favorite story of the day will probably always be something Joran told me after everyone was awake again. With 2 big thumbs up, he said with the most loving grin, "Good job, Mom!" (Then he added, "And there wasn't even any blood." Well, he doesn't have to know about that.)

Happy!

Aurora has the same frown as Jasmijn... we thought it came from Geneva... I guess it's in the genes.

Acrobatics... and Jasmijn looks on from behind.

Jasmijn pushing Joran on the swing.

Jasmijn likes to point out Aurora's eyes, nose, mouth, fingers and toes.

They are both so excited and sweet with their new sister!

Such tenderness.

Oops! Flipped the photo, but here's Jasmijn helping to change Aurora's diaper (she unsnaps the jumper and hands me wipes).

So wise.

"What is this thing on my head?"

Jasmijn's just tickled pink and asks to hold Aurora several times a day.

I knew I'd get requests for photos of me, so here's the best one I could find.

Joran's ready for the snowball fight!

Grandma builds a snowman with Jasmijn.

Sledding behind our house. I stay inside, but I get lots of laughs from watching my family!

Happy New Year!

Everyone loved Joran's long hair, but he didn't like the tangles, and the brushing was too painful, so I cut it off!

Playdates

Hey, I wrote this several months ago, but still find it interesting and relevant. The only difference is that I now have a couple babysitters and Joran participates in 2 outdoor classes, one of which I drop him off at for 4 hours. I'm so thankful for Joran's enjoyment of these and the regular playdates we have.

Since we don't go to school, playdates are how we do most of our socializing. We get together with other homeschoolers and unschoolers, and also a few friends who are not full-time school, yet, and we really appreciate that they make time for us, too. Hopefully, even after school is in full swing, we can still have afternoons together here and there.

Playdates work well for Joran. He's always seemed to play best one-on-one. While living in Geneva, we tried a few classes with Gymboree and Little Gym, and Joran always complained about there being too many other kids around. Several times, he teamed up with just one other and they did their own thing during the class. Other times, he even managed to get the whole class to follow his creative direction over the instructor's. One time the instructor just looked at me, after deciding to go with Joran's Volcano Adventure, and said, "Well, he certainly is a leader." People are constantly commenting to me about his creativity. So, as his parent/life facilitator, I try to do more of what seems to work and not force anything that I think is a good idea when Joran clearly dislikes it.

Living this lifestyle only becomes tough when I don't get my own tank filled and end up feeling exhausted keeping up with my children (okay, mostly Joran). Can't say I'm sure what to do about that. It would help to find someone who can play well with my kids while I go off to have peaceful time on my own. I haven't gotten to that, yet. Kind of waiting for a magical manifestation, a Fairy Godmother of sorts. This is another reason why playdates work well. By this time, Joran is comfortable enough to stay at a playdate without me. Good idea.

I've noticed that Joran seems quiet and may play by himself when he first goes to a new house, but as he gets more comfortable, his more exuberant nature comes out. He may even start to test limits of me and others. At home, he tends to feel a little territorial. With boys, he must feel competitive, because I often get the impression that he is trying to show off. He seems more competitive with boys closer to his age and more willing to give in to boys a year or more older than him. Things can get very rowdy when his guy friends are over.

With girls, he's more sweet and gentle. He likes to show them his house, his toys, his books, but there's not the sense of competitiveness. It's the same with Jasmijn; sometimes he doesn't want her around, but he's mostly caring, playful and watchful of her. We go through phases.

As for Jasmijn, she loves playing with Joran, and sometimes gets into playing with others, but will mostly do her own thing or hang out with me. She's definitely "easier" in the sense that she doesn't demand my interaction as much as Joran did at her age or does now. They are so different!

Jolene =)

Thanksgiving Snow

Thanksgiving snow is pretty unusual in this area, but John is in his element. For me, I stay inside and just come out to take pictures, but it sure is fun to watch them having fun.

Working hard on the first snowmen of the year.

I can hardly believe it, either, but Joran was pushing this snowball around on his own. It got even bigger and started to roll down the hill towards the house before he stopped it!

Of course, Joran wanted an alien-like snowman. He said the twisted willow branch was the snowman's pee-pee. He's 5 1/2 and fascinated with all types of potty talk.

Snowball at mommy!

Now for a real fight!

A couple of hummingbirds are sticking around for the food we leave, making sure it's thawed for them each morning. I see them more now in the snow than in the summer, when there is so much more food around. Now, they only have one place to go.

Potty training -- I know it has nothing to do with Thanksgiving or snow, but it's notable, and a cute picture! Jasmijn runs around naked most of the time, sometimes with a shirt, sometimes with just shoes. She loves all of her various shoes -- girl after my own heart!

We are thankful for:

snow

our beautiful, warm house

a gas fireplace and a wood-burning stove

dinner

lots of indoor entertainment

a passionate, creative family that laughs a lot

friends

the telephone

the newpaper and all the ads

a bouquet of flowers

the internet

water

brisk, pine-scented air

our rooster

Facebook (where you can see more pics)

everything, everything, everything!

Love,

Jolene =)

No Rules

There are no rules here.

We're trying to accomplish something.

~Thomas Edison~

Teaming Up

I love this! Two beautiful children against the backdrop of the environment we love!

Joran and Jasmijn are becoming quite a team. The other day, "Jazzy" refused to hold my hand while out running errands, and would only hold Joran's hand. Joran was proud to lead. He has on-and-off days with her, sometimes wanting to play with her all day, and sometimes wanting to be left alone. She copies everything! He suggests some action, and she jumps to it. He teaches her every bit of "toilet talk" that he knows. It's great to see them loving eachother, in any case.

I did say she copies everything!

So funny the way Jasmijn just doubles over in laughter!

Teaming and scheming again...

I don't think Daddy can move on these hardwoods now.

In other news, I am also doing well, though gaining more weight than the other pregnancies and feeling some discomfort, but the exhaustion and nausea have lifted... mostly. I haven't felt motivated to garden as the weather has turned cold and my body disagrees with all the bending, squatting, pulling and loading. I've looked into hiring help there, but haven't given in, yet, preferring to do things myself in my garden. And in my home. We now have 2 homeschooling babysitters, so I'm getting more time to relax and have peaceful moments. Well, I don't always relax. For example, I've taken to cleaning my own home again, which I find very comforting. I get to all those cobwebs and the little pockets where dust and crumbs can hide for ages, and it feels like I'm clearing corners where energy has gotten stuck.

Speaking of cleaning and clearing, I'm studying ho'oponopono, the ancient Hawai'ian problem-solving technique. It's really simple and pretty much all about taking 100% responsibility for everything in my experience and then "cleaning" it by filling it with love. No special exercises, processes or extensive studying. The key phrase, which is like the ho'oponopono mantra or meditation for cleaning, is "I love you. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you."Just saying "I love you" works, too. I can speak this to The Divine in reference to the problem, recognizing that everything I experience, even if it's just on the news, is a reflection of a subconscious program, which I share with the people who are directly involved with the problem. No one is at fault, but we are all responsible. We are all One. "I love you" is becoming background music to my life. It's so simple and lovely, I don't know how else to describe it.

Love,

Jolene =)

Blissful Day!

Meditating on a sunny summer morning, 2010

What a wonderful day it was (yesterday)!

We started out with Wilderness Awareness School, where Joran gets to romp through the woods with 13 other children and 5 instructors. He played memory games with native plants, created a medicine pouch, collected lichen, steeped lemon balm tea over the outdoor fire and found the flavor delicious, and came home with a small chunk of beeswax, which I can't get enough of -- delicious smell.

While Joran was in class for 4 hours, I was connecting with my new Wilderness Awareness community and walking slowly through the woods with Jasmijn. The smells of moss, woodland soil, and even centipedes were delightful. We marveled over the many different types of dirt under the trees and meditated on seats of log, root and stone.

After class, I was going to drop off one of Joran's classmates with her mama, but then her mama called and offered to meet us at a local park with food, so we settled in at the playground and enjoyed the entire warm afternoon until dusk!

We all came home so relaxed and John built a fire in our stove. Joran and Jasmijn each took bubble baths and our neighbor, Liam, came by for a little more playtime, but Joran was so relaxed that I hardly heard a peep from them as they focused on new Lego creations. Ahh, the sweet life!

To finish off my day, I found an e-mail from Joran's OT, who was expressing her understanding for my concerns and willingness to revamp our sessions. The better it gets, the better it gets!

Love,

Jolene =)

Mommy Never Gets Frustrated

It sure is fun playing with you, Joran!

Joran and I have our fair share of head-butting, but the other day, I got notice that I'm doing better than I thought.

We were in session with Joran's occupational therapist, who often tries to get him to do things he doesn't want to do. In an effort to get him to bend to her will, she said something along the lines of, "It would make your mommy and I so happy if you did this. You don't want me or your mommy to be frustrated, do you?" Joran's quick response was, "My mommy never gets frustrated!" (Jolly laughter bursts forth from my belly!)

Thanks Joran!

And just for the record, we also think it's kind of "weird" (Joran's description) that the OT is trying to get Joran to follow her directions because "it will make us happy" (emotional manipulation?). I really try to respect my children's freedom, which I consider to be their birthright. I feel that by going to this clinic, I have gained a better understanding of Joran's behaviors and needs so that I can support him to a more joyful life, fully allowing who he is to shine. So, I'm frustrated with this new development of pressuring Joran to work on certain tasks that he is very resistant to. To me, the resistance is a sign that he's just not ready. I'm concerned that pushing him to do things he's not ready for will ultimately errode his self-confidence. So, we're in the process of reevaluating the need to continue this therapy.

Overall, we're chugging along at a nice clip over here. And wishing you all much happiness!

Jolene =)

The Fungus Among Us

Polypore, shelf-like mushroom growing on fallen tree

I will never forget this mushroom! We were out with Nature Explorers, a class provided through our local homeschool support center, focusing on mushrooms that day. Joran was having a tough time navigating his emotions, social anxieties, etc.... This included lots of screaming, shouting and general grumpiness for a period of time. It was an interesting practice for me in staying centered while he worked it out. Sometimes Joran takes his energy out on me, pushing, pulling, shoving, angry words, etc..., but I was not willing to do that with him this day. He started taking his frustrations out on the forest instead. Much appreciation to the forest from Mommy for that!

After a bit, the group stopped and circled up to listen to the instructor's story of the day. We sat apart while Joran continued processing. It was pretty easy for me to just hang out on a fallen log while Joran did what he needed to do. Jasmijn wanted to explore, too. As I was just chilling and glancing around, Joran found the Polypore mushroom in the picture above, attached to the log I was sitting on.

My astounding discovery about this mushroom was that it can bear the impact of a raging 5-year-old boy! Joran was jumping on the mushroom like it was a springboard, with as much force as he could muster, certain that he would break it off. It never happened! Pretty soon, he realized that this was a pretty cool tough mushroom and started studying it. The energy exerted and then the focus the mushroom attracted from him was just enough to shift his attitude back to positive curiosity, and we got back to following the group, finishing up the 2-mile hike, and even enjoying another relaxed hour with a classmate and his mom, picking blackberries, hunting bugs, hiding under trees.... Thanks Polypore!

Parenting is a practice. We'll never get it done, it's constantly unfolding. We're constantly growing, understanding ourselves and our children in new ways.

In our culture, worrying about our children is part of being a "good parent." I'm learning that this is a flawed premise. We try so hard to help them that it just leads to overprotective, paranoid parenting. When we can't figure out how to help them, we feel powerless or angry that they are not cooperating or behaving the way we want them to behave. It's actually better for me, and therefore, better for my children when I remain centered, stable, happy, even when they are way off balance.

The day with Nature Explorers provided a perfect example. So many factors collided for Joran during those two hours. Joran wanted to play with a couple of the boys, but did not know how to join in or feel confident in following my suggestions. Once we started on the trail, Joran seemed aloof, wanting to do his own thing, not gather near the instructor with the other children. We found a cool bug, and while Joran was looking at it, another child grabbed it to show the instructor. Joran felt so angry about this and started talking about revenge. He doesn't normally take this out on other child, but instead turns to me with complaints and acting on his frustrations.

So, one thing piled up on him after another. Another student got a lot of attention for finding a frog. Everyone gathered around to hold the frog, but Joran tends to back off when there's a crowd. He wanted to see and hold the frog but didn't feel comfortable squeezing in or waiting until the commotion died down. He liked the idea of looking for another frog, but wasn't willing to initiate a search. He became obsessed with the idea of finding a frog, but more focused on the fact that he didn't have one, he was not willing to search on his own or stick close to me to catch one if I saw one. As the group continued through the forest, Joran escalated to screaming, shouting, starting to push and pull me, but I would not participate with this. He redirected to stomping, kicking and pulling on rocks, dirt, decaying wood and plants.

Through all of this, I focused on staying connected to well-being. I know Joran is also fun, curious, highly intelligent, loving and powerful. I held these beliefs in my mind as we kept moving along. I also reminded myself that I could choose happiness no matter what he was doing. Having fun in nature comes naturally, so I kept looking for frogs, enjoying the beautiful trees, feeling good about my own strength and agility, laughing about the adventure in it all. There I was, 7 months pregnant, toddler riding on my back, slipping in the muddy pools populated by frogs, and perfectly happy!

It feels good when I don't make my son responsible for my feeling of well-being. I'm also glad that my belief in myself as a good parent doesn't depend on his happiness. Most of the time, I have no idea what we look like to other people. So, another big part of my practice includes letting go of attachment to other people's opinions. In any case, I find that many times, what they think of us is yet another figment of my imagination.

Blessings!

Jolene =)