Today I realized that what I thought was irritation towards Joran in the face of his demands is actually panic : panic that I will not be able to get it done/hold it all together/give him everything he needs and wants/control him. How unrealistic those expectations are! But in the moment that I recognized this feeling, I also knew that it had begun early in my life and had nothing to do with Joran. I took a deep breath into the panic and imagined it bursting away like a confetti explosion. For a while, I just noticed anytime it started to come up, took a deep breath to expand that constricted feeling, and pretty soon, it didn't seem to come up at all. I suppose that as long as I continue being aware of it, it will eventually go away. Because it doesn't serve me in the normal functioning of my life today.
Awareness is something I've been bringing to my life this summer. Rather than being reactive or trying to figure everything out or fix anything, I am just trying to be more and more aware. It's amazing how the simple act of noticing can make such a huge difference.
Live well!
Jolene =)
Jolene,
ReplyDeleteMy eyes welled up with tears reading this post. I realize that this is the same feeling I often have and it's sort of baffled me. I wonder, why am I so snappy at my kids? Perhaps some of that feeling/reaction can be attributed to what most parents feel when their children are "annoying" (for lack of a better term). But I can see that, like you, I suffer from this same panic. It's almost debilitating sometimes. Hopefully I can learn, as you have, to be more mindful of my emotions and reactions and take some time to calm down before I blow up. Thanks for sharing this as it really touched me.
Miss you!